Lately, I don’t know why but I have
been eagerly listening to sappy sad love songs. I’m not bitter or
whatever.. I just appreciate how the message of the songs flows through
my cold veins as it pumps blood into my numb heart.
For now, I can attest to the saying that who can say why your heart cries, when your love lies.. only time.
Unconsciously, I can sleep well as I hit the sack after my shift. I
love seeing the sunshine as it peeks through the window of my bedroom.
I enjoy taking a nice looooonnng (take note: LONG ) shower and play
with my dresses in my closet.
The pain that I have been hiding from the whole world to see is long gone. I didn’t know when but it’s gone.
Whenever I try to remember the events that shattered my life, I just
laugh at myself for I never realized that I was too blinded by my
emotions. One thing I can say without any hesitations is I do not have
any REGRETS with what I had done in the past.
When we’re in-love, we do things way beyond what we normally do. We act as if there’s no tomorrow.. in short, insanity.
It’s really ironic but that is the bittersweet truth. The pain may
take forever to descend in my heart but only time will tell when will
it end… and it did!
If only the world knew what I had experienced, they will understand
why I decided to leave it and be on my own. Honestly? It’s shocking and
very traumatic for me. I learned a lot from all those things that
happened to me.
For now, I’m thankful that I managed to survive another adversity that once colored my life hue.
Listening to: If The Feelong Is Gone by Ella Mae Saison | Before I Let You Go by Freestyle | It Must Have Been Love by Roxette
Feeling: pensive
I woke up way too early yesterday. I believed I had slept around 12
MN then I got up at 3 AM. Well, I need to be at the office that early
because I’ll be seeing Ram and Cyril after their respective shifts. I
was at the office around 5:30 AM then Ram and I headed to SM Mall of
Asia to fetch Cyril. Around 6 AM, we were there at the mall to meet
Cyril.
However, Cyril had a call and he came out around 7:30 AM. Long call, huh?
First stop. We decided to grab a coffee at Starbucks while waiting
for Rose and Ella. It’s funny because while the Barista was trying to
build a rapport as we took our order, he just asked out of curiosity
and this line was the one I will never forget:
“So, you’re a balikbayan right?!”
We laughed out loud and I answered back, “Hindi ah, taga Imus lang ako. We’re currently working at Makati“.
Let these pictures do the talking. *winks!
I was kinda anticipating to see someone but I guess, we’re not meant to see each other during that day. o.O
Till next time guys and I hope complete attendance na tayo! =)
Listening to: Kahit Kailan by South Border
Feeling: loved
I am so f***ng retarded. I am really exhausted memorizing those basic nursing skills. I don't know why. It's maybe because of the crazy schedule I have for this silly demonstrations. Like today I have to get my ass off for 3 in the afternoon because I have to perform only one skill, chest tube care. With just one skill I have to experience the burden of taking a bath, memorizing 21 skill procedure, brushing my teeth, and spending my 3 hours on the school. Imagine?.
At least I am done with almost 5 nursing skills already. And what's more worst is we have to provide the supplies needed on our return demonstrations. I really need money this season. I have a large list of my wishes today, that I myself is subjected to buy them. Darn! Who the hell will give me a piece og headset from bose', a bag from adidas and a pair of shoes from adidas also. But on the top my list is a jacket with a hood from adidas. Luckily I have $50 and 750 php on hand. But it was not enough to buy those things I have written on my wishlist. I need to find my ninongs and ninangs this christmas.
Another thing is I have a hard time allocating my time for such occassions, like going to my highschool friend's house, due to my loaded and fucking busy schedule. I am really praying hard that I could graduate already. You know! so that I can feel the air of liberty and the freedom from those large books, from the patients in the hospital and from those people who really pissed my ass off in my college.
Noong nag-aaral pa ako sa College, natutunan ko sa aking klase na Finance ang mga katagang "calculated risk". In simple terms, ito yung pagsusugal at pagpusta sa llamado. Yung pagsabak sa giyera na may malaking chance na manalo ka.
Kung iisipin mo, lahat ng ginagawa natin ay sugal. Yun pagtawid mo sa kalsada, kung kakain ka ba o matutulog na lang, yun desisyon kung papasok ka ba sa skul o maglalaro ka na lang ng dota, pati yung pagsisimula ng negosyo, lahat yan sugal sa buhay.
Maka ilang beses na rin ako sumugal sa buhay ko. kadalasan, talo. yun nga ang sabi sa statistics, 9 out of 10 businesses ay nagsasara, totoo yun. Pero that does not stop you on trying. e pano kung eto na yung 10% na chance mo para mag succeed, dapat hindi mo palampasin.
Merong panahon sa buhay ko na kinailangan ko ng pera, syempre nangutang ako sa mga kakilala ko. hindi ko nga alam kung natatandaan pa nila na may utang ako sa kanila. Ginamit ko yung pera na yun pansugal. Ang problema, hindi ko ginamitan ng computation for calculated risk. hindi ko pa kasi natutunan yun nun panahon na yun. nun pinag-aralan ko yun endeavor, lumalabas na 1out of 89,785,745,416 ang chance ko na mag succeed. huli na ang lahat nung nalaman ko yun. at hanggang ngayon, hindi ko pa rin sila nababayaran.
I really really really really wanted to start a business now. May concept na ako. Alam ko na kung sino ang mga empleyado ko, pero hindi ko masimulan dahil number 1: wala akong puhunan. number 2: hindi ko pa nakakausap ang mga taong involved.
Gusto ko isang restaurant na simple lang ang concept. walang eklavu, hindi siya karenderia, at hindi rin aircon.
Gusto ko meron akong parking space. kasya ang hanggang apat na sasakyan.
Gusto ko, operating hours ay mula 9am til 9pm.
Gusto ko malapit lang sa bahay namin ang location.
Makakabuo kaya ako ng puhunan sa pasko? Habang onti pa lang ang inaanak ko na bibigyan sa Pasko.
Para naman magamit ko ang pinag-aralan ko sa college at its fullest.
Here I am, listening to the music that I had uploaded in my playlist.
Thanks to Don Domeng for the mp3’s available in our servers and I’m
currently enjoying the avail time on my shift. It’s already in the
middle of my shift and we were able to harvest all the admin works at
the office. *chuckles* Joke!
Kidding aside..
As I silently looked past the bay on my way home, I somehow tried to
remember some of the memories that I already burned away in my mind. I
miss my childhood life, college friends, being a student (just trying
to pass all the curriculum), being active in church and of course, the
persons who had once touched my life.
I somehow pitied the person who asked me that pop question just
recently. No, actually I pitied myself. Why? I know to the fact that I
cannot afford to give love as much as I can like before.
Some were trying to induce me to love them as if I was never hurt. I
admire those people who can truly love a person without using them as a
rebound. Who keeps on accepting love with arms wide open.
I know to the fact that I am finally over with all the shits I had
gone through recently. I’m proud to say that I was able to get him out of my system. For I do not have any urge to win him back like before . I’m no longer that pathetic who’s really crazy to a person who never saw my worth - like any ordinary girl who falls in love to any ordinary guy.
Sad to say that I used to be that stupid who got caught in her own emotions and was blinded by love.
I remember when Marcos asked me, “Bern, kailan mo ba balak lumgay na sa tahimik?”
I didn’t answer him because until now I still can’t provide any answer to myself, if I should be deciding to settle down or not.
As this line goes “There’s tons of fishes in the water, so the waters I will test“, I decided to go out and be the way how was I before. I mingle and date with other guys out there, enjoying the benefits of no strings attached rule.
I manipulate. I lie. I used lame excuses. So what?
Maybe somewhere along the way, I might meet the person who will take
me away from the life I’m currently living. The one who will accept me
at my worst or my best, which possesses long patience to change me and
bring me home to where I belong.
Listening to: Goodbye To You by Michelle Branch | Goin' Crazy by Natalie | Takipsilim by Paramita
“You don’t move on from the pain. You get used to it.”
And so I realize that giving everything to you and always be there for you was not enough.
I could just walk away from all the lies and troubles caused, but I didn't. Because I strongly feel that saving our drowning relationship and giving us a second chance would be worth it.
I am willing to risk it all because I want you.
I want you so bad.
And I love you.
Listening to: DREAMS by The Cranberries
Watching: Gossip Girl Season 2
Feeling: still inlove
